Category: Maternity

The subtleties of raising children ;-)

Asya Kazantseva “Where Do Children Come From?”

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Asya Kazantseva is one of the most well-known popularizers of science. Her first published book Who Would Have Thought! literally blew up the market — it was so unconventional, since Asya spoke about complicated things in fairly simple language, with plenty of good humor. I myself was wildly enthusiastic, and so I gladly went on to read her next two books. After that, Asya disappeared from the public sphere as a writer for a while, though she continued to give many live lectures. And in 2023 her fourth book was released, titled Where Do Children Come From?

Here Asya stepped away from her favorite topics, deciding to talk about the myths and realities of pregnancy and childbirth. All the more so since she had tested it not only in theory but also in practice, having given birth to a daughter. She approached the topic as thoroughly as always, having studied a large amount of material long before her pregnancy.

And although, as usual, I made many notes while reading, for a very long time I couldn’t bring myself to start writing a review of this book. Because Asya’s second and third books were already somewhat weaker than the first, but this fourth one seemed to me the dullest. And the first one that I have absolutely no desire to recommend.

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Book: Lyudmila Zotova “How to Raise a Bilingual Child and Stay Sane”

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In 2014 the topic of bilingualism suddenly became relevant for me. That was the year my family moved to another country, and the children suddenly had to immerse themselves in a school environment not only with a completely different language but also with a different culture. And while one can still argue about the bilingualism of the children who moved with us (although for all of them English has already become more widely used than their original native Russian), with the younger ones, born in Cyprus, there is no question at all.

That is why, observing the development of all the children, I increasingly asked myself how we could help them in mastering several languages, what peculiarities there are, and whether we as parents are doing everything right. And then, at Sandermoen Publishing, a book by Lyudmila Zotova was released under the title How to Raise a Bilingual Child and Stay Sane. I was curious to look at another person’s experience and opinion and perhaps find answers to the questions that troubled me.

Lyudmila’s case is considerably more complicated than mine. She is married to an Italian, lives in France, but in a region near the German border, where the population also speaks German. In relation to her daughter one can already speak not of bilingualism but of tri- or even tetralingualism. However, while her daughter will easily learn the surrounding languages simply through immersion, with the mother’s native language there were peculiarities. And Lyudmila asked herself how to ensure that her daughter would know Russian.

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Motherhood Age

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Recently, I stumbled upon discussions about the “right” age for motherhood, with some people arguing that once you’re past a certain age, it’s too late to have kids. It’s a very relevant and controversial topic. Some people defend a woman’s right to choose, while others use a celebrity’s health issues as fuel for the debate. Personally, I believe there are both advantages and disadvantages in any scenario.

Several factors influence the question of “at what age should you have children?” I am convinced that social norms play a significant role. In post-Soviet countries, for instance, the age of marriage and first childbirth tends to be relatively young. I suspect that this is largely shaped by factors such as average income, the proportion of this income that goes towards child-related benefits, and the length of maternity leave.

In many other countries, maternity leave is much shorter than in Belarus, and the cost of childcare (nannies, daycares) is very high. As a result, many women prioritize their careers, choosing to have children only after they feel financially stable. They also marry later in life. One of my German friends once said, “When I had my baby at 26, I felt like I dropped out of my social circle. Hardly anyone successful has kids that early. My friends are living very different lives.”

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Lyudmila Petranovskaya “If It’s Difficult with a Child”

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The book If It’s Difficult with a Child by Lyudmila Petranovskaya is part of the “Close People” series. I decided to read it almost immediately after finishing the first book in the series, The Secret Support: Attachment in a Child’s Life. The first book focused on the various stages of a child’s development and how their behavior changes significantly during each stage. In this new book, the focus shifts to something else—how to deal with challenging situations when “it’s difficult with a child.” Both I and Lyudmila Petranovskaya are careful not to say “a difficult child” because it’s usually the situations that are difficult, while the child often becomes difficult due to the circumstances.

In this book, the author also addresses various situations, but one of the main messages is to try to see things from the child’s perspective and to understand why they act the way they do. Often, once you do, their behavior seems much more logical and even obvious.

This applies to many situations where something is forbidden for the child but allowed for adults. There are countless examples, starting with “you have to go to bed at 9 PM” or “you can only play on the computer for half an hour.” The child sees that their parents don’t go to bed that early, so why should they? Or if their father spends most of his time in front of a monitor (regardless of what he’s doing), why should the child be limited to just half an hour? Simple prohibitions no longer work in such cases, as the child doesn’t see any logic behind them.

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Maternity Care in Cyprus

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The idea of writing about pregnancy and childbirth in both Belarus and Cyprus came to me after a discussion on Facebook. I’ll try to explain the differences in approach, and everyone can draw their own conclusions.

I’ve had six pregnancies. I managed the first three and gave birth in Belarus. During my fourth pregnancy, we moved to Cyprus. Later, I went to Belarus for a “vacation,” where, at seven months, I gave birth to a stillborn baby. My fifth and sixth pregnancies were managed and delivered in Cyprus.

In Cyprus, healthcare is free for a narrow segment of the population. For everyone else, insurance is necessary. A new system is currently being introduced, but I’ll explain how things were back then.

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A Housewife Against Society

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Looking around, I’ve concluded that one of the most devalued things in today’s world is the role of a mother and keeper of the home. Saying in polite society that you’re a housewife is like blowing your nose on the tablecloth. At best, they won’t understand you; at worst… Of course, some of the critical remarks are based on real dangers. Many men, when leaving their families, tend to forget about their previous one, and it doesn’t matter if the man was the one insisting that their children shouldn’t go to daycare and that the wife should stay at home. Starting work at 30+, let alone at an older age, is very difficult. But beyond that, being a housewife is not just unfashionable, it’s humiliating. There’s this pervasive notion that a non-working woman will inevitably become uninteresting to her husband, that she is far inferior to the woman who builds a career—not just in terms of opportunities, but also in intelligence and beauty. By default, she’s seen as growing dull, wrapping herself in the kind of robes that seem to say “goodbye, youth,” as if aging faster simply by staying home.

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How I (didn’t) breastfeed and what came of it

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Sometimes it seems to me that the overwhelming part of modern motherhood is lived under the slogan “If you’re not exhausted, you’re not a mother.” The pressure begins the moment you register at the prenatal clinic and will probably continue until retirement. I’m sure there are wonderful places and wonderful people—I’ve been fortunate to encounter some—but overall, things aren’t all that rosy.

My district gynecologist, who oversaw my first two pregnancies, was a prime example of a nightmare for a first-time mother. “Got knocked up?” she asked me sternly during my first visit in my first pregnancy. “What date should I book your abortion for?” was the first thing I heard from her the second time. Nowadays, I would probably set clear boundaries, or maybe I’d still be caught off guard, mumbling something like, “We were planning…”

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Giving Birth in Cyprus (Through the Husband’s Eyes)

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I haven’t written in a long time, and there were objective reasons for that. At the same time, my wife has been insisting for a while now that I simply must write about childbirth, as a male perspective on this topic is somehow more valuable than a female one. Well, the stars have aligned, and I’ve become a father once again, so all the impressions and experiences are very fresh.

As you may know, I’m practically a heroic father, as I now have five children. The first three were born in Minsk, Belarus, and the last two — in Lefkosia, Cyprus. Each time, I did my best to be as present at the births as possible (to the extent allowed by medical practices). So, I have plenty to compare. I’ll try to describe the whole nine-month process. I should clarify that our experience is based on private clinics. Some aspects will surely differ in public hospitals.

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