The book If It’s Difficult with a Child by Lyudmila Petranovskaya is part of the “Close People” series. I decided to read it almost immediately after finishing the first book in the series, The Secret Support: Attachment in a Child’s Life. The first book focused on the various stages of a child’s development and how their behavior changes significantly during each stage. In this new book, the focus shifts to something else—how to deal with challenging situations when “it’s difficult with a child.” Both I and Lyudmila Petranovskaya are careful not to say “a difficult child” because it’s usually the situations that are difficult, while the child often becomes difficult due to the circumstances.
In this book, the author also addresses various situations, but one of the main messages is to try to see things from the child’s perspective and to understand why they act the way they do. Often, once you do, their behavior seems much more logical and even obvious.
This applies to many situations where something is forbidden for the child but allowed for adults. There are countless examples, starting with “you have to go to bed at 9 PM” or “you can only play on the computer for half an hour.” The child sees that their parents don’t go to bed that early, so why should they? Or if their father spends most of his time in front of a monitor (regardless of what he’s doing), why should the child be limited to just half an hour? Simple prohibitions no longer work in such cases, as the child doesn’t see any logic behind them.
In discussing various examples from life, Lyudmila Petranovskaya does not give straightforward advice on exactly what to do or how to act. From her point of view, the most important thing is not to change yourself or your behavior, nor to structure your relationship with your child according to learned rules from a book. The main thing is simply to love your children and understand them. From this understanding of situations, you can gradually adjust your approach—not just “perform a technique,” but rather change the relationship itself, even though that may not be easy.
The author also emphasizes the need to clearly differentiate what can truly be considered “difficult.” “Difficult” is far from always being synonymous with “bad.” Often, our attitude towards certain actions is dictated by society’s opinion as a whole, or even by individual people in our immediate circle. But there’s no guarantee that these opinions are correct. Often, we simply need to ignore them. This is your child. Raise them in the way you believe is right, not in the way someone like Aunt Masha from the neighboring building thinks is right.
Just like her first book, I highly recommend this one to all parents. To give you a taste of how the author illustrates real-life situations, here are a few characteristic quotes from the book that I highlighted while reading. Translated from Russian, of course.
My rating: 5/5
Selected Quotes
If a neighbor asks your child an inappropriate question like, “So, does mom love your little sister more than you now?”, don’t wait for your child to tell her she’s being silly. It’s better to step in and say directly, “Excuse me, but I don’t appreciate people interfering in our family matters.” And if you didn’t manage to intervene in time and your child has already called her silly, don’t jump on them and demand an apology. It’s enough to say something like, “I’m sorry my son was rude to you, but I ask that you refrain from asking him such questions in the future.”
And some children, even quite young ones, are capable of giving a clear answer to the question: “What are you trying to achieve by doing this?” Notice the difference: not “Why? (didn’t you clean up, took something that wasn’t yours, broke something, threw a tantrum),” which often leaves the child confused—how would they know why? But specifically, “What for?” This might even sound like an odd question, for example: “Why does your stomach hurt every morning before school?” But it should be asked calmly and with genuine interest, not with a challenging tone or when you’re already upset.
When explaining to a child why their behavior is unacceptable to you, it’s important to keep in mind that children live in the present. They are not concerned with problems far in the future, at least not until they’re around 15 or 16. Telling a fifth-grader that if they don’t study well, they’ll end up being a janitor is pretty pointless. To them, it will just sound hurtful, nothing more. It’s much better to focus on the present—tell them that you’re upset about their poor grades, that they don’t feel good about being a failing student, and that being afraid of being called to the blackboard is much worse than just doing their homework. Phrases like “What will become of you?” or “Who will want to marry you, being such a slob?” only damage the relationship with the child and do nothing to correct the behavior.
Have you ever wondered why children aged 6 to 8 are so eager to help their parents around the house, but as teenagers, you can’t get them to do anything? Pay attention to how it usually happens. A six-year-old proudly washes the dishes—he was allowed to! Naturally, the mother praises his efforts, even if she has to quietly rewash all the plates later. After all, he’s so little, yet already such a helper! But time passes, and now he’s 9. He washes the dishes. Does he still hear praise in return? Much less often. After all, he’s older now, and it’s his responsibility. What’s there to praise? But what happens if the dishes are washed poorly? He gets criticized, the plates are demonstratively rewashed in front of him, and his efforts are reduced to nothing. He might even hear something hurtful. Are you still wondering where children’s enthusiasm for chores disappears between ages 9 and 12, and why you can’t get teenagers to do anything?
