Lyudmila Petranovskaya “The Secret Support: Attachment in a Child’s Life”

As an experienced father, I hadn’t heard of Lyudmila Petranovskaya. Turns out, my wife has known about her for a long time and reads her articles. I discovered her book on the recommendation of a colleague, a man. That’s when I learned that L. Petranovskaya is a well-known child psychologist in the modern world. And her book The Secret Support: Attachment in a Child’s Life introduced me to her as an author.

The book’s main message is to show that children always need their parents and that they seek support from them. However, they do this in different ways during different stages of life, which is why certain behaviors and “problems” manifest.

What really stood out from the first pages is that the author doesn’t try to present her opinion as the only correct one. She immediately states:

A child may have their own pace of development or personality traits, and you may have had special circumstances in your life, either now or in the past. Lastly, I could simply be mistaken. Always trust yourself more than any book, and this one is no exception. You are the parent of your child, you love them, you know them, understand them, and feel them like no one else, even if at times it seems like you don’t understand them at all.

Throughout the book, the author divides a child’s life into conditional periods during which their behavior changes quite significantly. She even named the chapters accordingly:

• From Birth to One Year
• The One-Year Crisis: Ours and Everyone Else
• From One to Three: Conquering the World
• The Three-Year Crisis: No, I Don’t Want To, and I Won’t
• From Four to Seven: The Tender Age
• The 6-7 Year Crisis: Together Forever
• From Seven to Twelve: On the Path to the Big World
• From Twelve to Fifteen: The Teenager’s Leap Across the Abyss
• After Childhood

I’ve been somewhat lucky, as I’ve already passed through all the stages with my eldest daughter, while the rest of the kids are still at different points on this list. So, comparing what Petranovskaya describes with my own experience wasn’t too hard—almost everything she talks about is crawling, walking, or snapping back at me right around the house.

I must say, I absolutely loved this book (whatever that means). It’s not a strict scientific study filled with references to research or experiments on cats. But that’s not what regular parents need. And Petranovskaya writes for parents, not future psychologists. As a parent, I found many of the colorful and clear examples directly aligned with my own experience.

Sure, she might not be right about everything. But the attempt to look at children’s behavior through the lens of attachment seems incredibly logical. Moreover, when you view children and their upbringing in this way, it challenges long-standing practices of parenting.

For example, the notion that children need kindergarten, as we were often told growing up (that it’s necessary for socialization and that kids without it will be less prepared for life). Or the idea that children need to be toughened up and made resilient from a young age.

In reality, the most important thing a child needs is their parents—to be close, to love, and to understand them. The younger the child, the more vital this support is. And they will test that foundation (not to break it, but to make sure it’s solid—parents are there). The better we handle these “tests” during the early years, the fewer actual problems the child will face later in life.

I know I haven’t always been the best father. But some things you realize as you get older, when it’s already too late to change past actions. Yet, there’s still plenty you can give your children, even after all these years.

In short: this book is a MUST-READ for all parents. No matter the age of your kids. It will change how you see your children and how you respond to their problems. Now, I’m off to read more of Petranovskaya’s books.

My rating: 5/5