Recently, I stumbled upon discussions about the “right” age for motherhood, with some people arguing that once you’re past a certain age, it’s too late to have kids. It’s a very relevant and controversial topic. Some people defend a woman’s right to choose, while others use a celebrity’s health issues as fuel for the debate. Personally, I believe there are both advantages and disadvantages in any scenario.
Several factors influence the question of “at what age should you have children?” I am convinced that social norms play a significant role. In post-Soviet countries, for instance, the age of marriage and first childbirth tends to be relatively young. I suspect that this is largely shaped by factors such as average income, the proportion of this income that goes towards child-related benefits, and the length of maternity leave.
In many other countries, maternity leave is much shorter than in Belarus, and the cost of childcare (nannies, daycares) is very high. As a result, many women prioritize their careers, choosing to have children only after they feel financially stable. They also marry later in life. One of my German friends once said, “When I had my baby at 26, I felt like I dropped out of my social circle. Hardly anyone successful has kids that early. My friends are living very different lives.”
Perhaps if the average age of marriage in Belarus increased, the divorce rate would decrease. I once read someone refer to these short-lived marriages, lasting 2-3 years in young adulthood, as “trial marriages,” and that’s pretty accurate. Unfortunately, many in these unions haven’t matured enough for serious relationships, for compromise, or for the ability and desire to discuss family matters and issues. For many, the arrival of a child becomes the challenge that breaks the marriage. Of course, there are happy exceptions, and quite a few, but overall, the statistics are grim.
On the other hand, very few people can claim that their health improves with age. While the difference between giving birth at 20 and 30 may not be that obvious, having your first child (or even subsequent children) in your 40s brings its own set of challenges. Fortunately, today’s lifestyles and technology allow people to preserve reproductive health—and overall health—for longer. In some countries, women take advantage of medical advances, freezing their eggs at a younger age for later IVF, or using surrogates.
Opponents of IVF for older mothers often link the procedure to increased cancer risks, citing celebrities as examples. Doctors counter this by explaining that the issue isn’t with IVF itself. It’s just that pregnancy places extra strain on the body, so any pre-existing problems tend to manifest earlier. And with age, cancer risks increase for everyone.
I’d venture to say that for most, it’s physically easier to carry and give birth to a child at a younger age. But what comes next? Who is more socially secure: a child born to young parents or older ones? Where are incomes higher, parenting approaches more balanced, patience greater, and fewer family arguments? Where are fathers more involved in child-rearing? Likely, these qualities are more common in families where the parents have life experience, and the decision to have a child is well thought-out and considered.
And again, I’m not trying to generalize. There are plenty of wonderful young parents with strong marriages. But again, statistics are unforgiving: in Belarus, several thousand cases are filed each year against deadbeat dads. So it’s not just that marriages are falling apart (last year, the divorce rate surpassed 50%), but many fathers simply vanish. Some take no part in their children’s upbringing, and some don’t even provide financial support.
A sad role in this is often played by new wives. On internet forums, many women ask how to limit their husband’s contact with his child from a previous marriage or reduce the amount of child support he pays. Some are even willing to resort to illegal measures. This baffles me. First, you married a man who already had a child—this was your conscious choice, so why be surprised that this child requires attention and financial support? Second, if you develop such an attitude toward his ex-wife and first child, then should he divorce you, you’d be opening the door for him to neglect you and your child as well.
To return to the main topic: one area where older moms (on average) surpass younger ones is in patience. Their parenting is more conscious. It’s a bit easier for them to avoid getting frustrated with their children, to stay calm during tantrums and crises, and to have a clear understanding of the parenting tactics they want to follow. Younger moms, on the other hand, tend to be more easygoing about many things. They’re less jaded by life, and that’s a huge plus. They can be spontaneous, aren’t scared by every little thing, and don’t rush to imagine 500 diagnoses when they see a runny nose.
All of this leads to one conclusion: conscious motherhood is wonderful at any age. If a mother wants this child, if she loves and eagerly awaits them, she’ll do her best to handle many life situations, even if imperfectly. And no matter what surprises life brings, her child will be loved. So in my opinion, there’s no such thing as a perfect or imperfect age for motherhood. Everyone has their own path and their own choices to make.
