Eight years ago, blogger Mark Manson explained to the whole world that living with a sense of not giving a damn is actually the best option — even an art. No need to stress about things. Later, he developed this idea further, clarifying that if you’re still stressing, then it’s absolutely pointless, because really “Everything Is F*cked.”
However, he began his writing career with completely different topics: he explained to men how to properly land a woman. What for many years has been called pickup in the pickup artist community, though in his advice he went much further. Later he slightly reworked this book.
Since I liked his writing style in the first two books, I decided to read this one as well — though to be honest, the subject doesn’t concern me much these days, when I have a wife and five children. But it turned out that the book is not at all what you would expect from its title and annotation.
At first glance, from its title, you might think this book is about seduction — but it isn’t. The key words are “attract” and “honesty.” Because in his book, Mark reflects on the nature of human relationships — how important it is to find someone with whom you will live in harmony. Yes, sometimes it may be about one-time sex, if that’s what the couple needs at a particular moment. But that is not what the book is about.
Manson himself says in the book that all pickup manuals, advice, and NLP methods should be thrown in the trash. Because they only teach a set of tricks that may work in some cases and with certain people, but relationships are not built on how well you dress or whether you managed to learn a good joke and drop it at the right time.
Mark Manson’s goal is to show how the behavioral stereotypes and complexes hammered into us since childhood only get in the way of communication and of living a full life. That’s why the main thing the author tries to convey is the ability to be yourself, not to live by the rules imposed on us. To love yourself, in the end.
Many of us depend excessively on other people’s opinions. And the more we care about it, the harder life becomes. Narcissists, for example, are extremely insecure people who constantly need to be fed admiration from others — otherwise they feel worthless. And in their struggle for this all-consuming self-admiration, they are ready to turn their close ones into moral slaves (who themselves suffer from the same dependence on others’ opinions, only in a different form). This is one of the author’s points:
Highly needy men will end up in relationships sometimes, but only with highly needy women. The highly needy man is constantly working to earn a woman’s approval, and a highly needy woman is constantly in need of a man’s approval. So the two conspire together, usually with one creating drama/emotional meltdowns and the other one endlessly fixing it. This relationship is toxic and can harm each person’s self-worth.
That is why most of the book is devoted to why and how you need to become independent. Only when you are less dependent on the opinions of others does the world begin to see the real you. You are not afraid to show either weakness or emotion. And most people (not just women) value precisely these qualities — openness, the ability to laugh at yourself, honesty in words, feelings, and intentions. That is what attracts.
Yes, the book was originally written for men. However, the author himself says on the very first pages that this is more of a formality, because his advice is really about how to gain self-confidence. And as a consequence — confidence in relationships. Whether you are a man, a woman, heterosexual or lesbian — it does not matter at all.
And in this perspective, the book unexpectedly struck me as very interesting and useful. You just need to discard that misleading pitch about “this book will teach you how to pick up women”, and you’ll see that most of the approaches described work perfectly in absolutely all aspects of life. Because a self-confident, independent person is more likely to attract all kinds of people, to become the life of the party, and to lead colleagues forward. People consider him an interesting conversationalist, even if they don’t agree with him on everything. Because he doesn’t try to bend to others but has his own independent opinion.
Yes, the book does include chapters on close relationships and even on sex. But they make up only a small part of it. And even there, the advice is mostly along the lines of “think about your partner,” which to me personally seems rather obvious.
Of course, this is not a manual on how to suddenly become independent and self-confident. But it is a set of thoughtful reflections with useful examples that, while reading, make you stop and think — and look at yourself from the outside. Since childhood, I was very insecure, and even now I still have plenty of complexes — more than I can shake a stick at. Yet many of Manson’s conclusions I came to myself, through countless mistakes. And still, in some ways, I remain dependent.
That’s why I found the book interesting precisely as a tool for self-reflection — to think about what else I could improve in myself to live a freer and fuller life.
So I would recommend this book in that vein, and not at all to those who just want a quick hookup. And although I do recommend reading it, I slightly lowered my final score, since even in the revised edition there are a number of repetitions and unnecessary digressions — without which the book would only have been stronger.
My rating: 3.5/5
