I’ve been silent for a long time, but it’s time to finally talk about the main issue, rather than small things like the slow pace of work and the lack of responsibility among Cypriots. Especially since meteorologists are saying a storm is coming our way from Rhodes, which could sweep across the entire island overnight and into Sunday—so no one will be left to tell you the truth.
Many people (myself included) often write about the lack of central heating on Cyprus, leaving everyone to fend for themselves during the winter. However, far fewer people talk about another side of everyday life—sewage systems!
Modern generations in big cities are spoiled by the comfort of having a toilet in their apartment. Only those who were sent to their grandparents’ village in the summer might recall the rustic charm of an outdoor wooden outhouse. And the Japanese have gone even further, inventing futuristic contraptions that heat the seat, wash your butt, and dry you right on the spot (they’ve gone too far—nothing sacred left!).
Of course, Cyprus has a central sewage system. But not everywhere. And even where it exists, it often doesn’t meet European standards, which has led the EU to threaten Cyprus with legal action because poorly constructed sewage systems harm the environment and the health of animals (and humans too, but apparently if they’re not thinking for themselves, they don’t deserve much sympathy).
According to the law, as far as I know, every settlement with a population of over 2,000 people must have a sewage system with its own treatment plant. However, even in areas of Cyprus where central sewage systems exist, you can’t use them the same way people in Minsk or other major cities of the former USSR are accustomed to. For example, you CANNOT flush toilet paper down the toilet. Even modern, water-soluble toilet paper is off-limits. Why? Because the sewage system can easily clog, causing no end of problems. This applies not just to older houses but even to newly built ones.
Additionally, many people face the issue of inadequate water pressure in their flush systems. I’m not an expert, but I suspect it has to do with how the pipes are laid. When pipes are deeply buried and you live on the 15th floor, gravity pulls water down rapidly, flushing everything away efficiently. On Cyprus, however, pipes aren’t buried deeply, and tall buildings are rare.
But that’s about central sewage systems. At the same time, much of Cyprus consists of villages with private houses. In such villages, there’s typically no central sewage system, nor is one planned. They’ve moved beyond outhouses, but as in Belarusian villages, homeowners often dig a personal septic tank where all the household waste goes. Every six months to a year (depending on the tank’s size and your household’s output), you’ll need to call a truck to pump it out.
One local peculiarity is that almost none of this waste seeps into the ground, and septic tanks are often quite small. This is because the island’s landscape is rocky, with many homes built on bedrock, making it challenging to dig deep tanks.
Also, the pipes are usually laid very close to the surface—about 15-20 cm deep—running from the house to the tank.
And here’s where you can finally understand the hidden meaning behind the title of this article. The flushing power is often insufficient to adequately carry away your contributions to nature. Apologies for the details, but sometimes you’re forced to endure the lingering presence of your former self—both visually and aromatically—until it finally decides to leave for good.
The pipes for individual houses are also not particularly large, usually about 15-20 cm in diameter. Without a steep incline, the water flow isn’t strong, so waste can build up in the pipes, causing blockages or severely slowing the flow. I’ve had to call plumbers to unclog the pipes more than once. It’s a situation that sometimes feels like the old Soviet joke:
One day, the toilet in an apartment suddenly stopped working, so the residents called a plumber. To their surprise, a very well-dressed and meticulously groomed man arrived. He carefully unpacked his tools from a neat little bag, methodically arranged them, and politely asked to be shown to the toilet.
He approached the toilet, lifted the lid, and saw that, while not filthy, the toilet wasn’t exactly sparkling white—especially when compared to his immaculate appearance.
The plumber slowly turned to the homeowners, his eyes wide with shock, his hands trembling, and, in a voice filled with disbelief, he exclaimed:
“Wait… are you shitting in it?!”
Sometimes, that’s exactly how I feel about Cypriot plumbers. First, there’s their unique approach. A plumber might show up knowing your pipes are clogged but not bring any tools. None. At all. Even after confirming the appointment. Then, he asks if you have a wrench, size 12 perhaps, or gloves so he doesn’t get dirty. And ideally, a 15-meter-long metal snake for clearing pipes—because how else is he supposed to do his job? Alright, I admit, this only happened once, but it did happen!
And then, secondly: the golden rule from every Cypriot plumber—under no circumstances should even tiny bits of food end up in the kitchen drain! Oh, and by the way, your dishwasher? It might rinse off microscopic food scraps into the pipes (shocking, I know!). And heaven forbid you wash down any greasy residue, because grease can harden and clog the pipes! Especially in winter, when there’s less hot water (since, as you know, there’s no central heating or hot water supply on the island either).
Of course, I scrape all the food leftovers into the trash before washing up—nobody’s intentionally shoving food down the drain. But sometimes, tiny bits might slip through. According to plumbers, this is a heinous crime against humanity! (“Wait… are you shitting in there?!”). And it makes me wonder, what’s the point of having sewers in the first place?
This is also why drain cleaners and de-clogging agents are wildly popular on Cyprus. You’re practically encouraged to pour them down the drain every week. Just in case. Though, let’s be honest, they’ll only clear the first meter or two of the pipes, at best. Beyond that, they’re powerless.
Consequently, plumbers with specialized equipment for clearing pipes are in high demand. But, as many people note, even their efforts don’t always keep things flowing for long. Still, they’ve carved out a nice, steady income for themselves.
And that’s yet another quirk of Cypriot life. At least, it makes for a good story! 😉
