A Housewife Against Society

Looking around, I’ve concluded that one of the most devalued things in today’s world is the role of a mother and keeper of the home. Saying in polite society that you’re a housewife is like blowing your nose on the tablecloth. At best, they won’t understand you; at worst… Of course, some of the critical remarks are based on real dangers. Many men, when leaving their families, tend to forget about their previous one, and it doesn’t matter if the man was the one insisting that their children shouldn’t go to daycare and that the wife should stay at home. Starting work at 30+, let alone at an older age, is very difficult. But beyond that, being a housewife is not just unfashionable, it’s humiliating. There’s this pervasive notion that a non-working woman will inevitably become uninteresting to her husband, that she is far inferior to the woman who builds a career—not just in terms of opportunities, but also in intelligence and beauty. By default, she’s seen as growing dull, wrapping herself in the kind of robes that seem to say “goodbye, youth,” as if aging faster simply by staying home.

Not only are housewives under attack, but also those on maternity leave or planning to have a child. Try getting a job when your pregnancy is noticeable or with a small child. Business is business, but none of us sprang into adulthood fully formed.

The paradox is that, alongside the devaluation of housewives and mothers, the expectations placed on them are higher than ever. Even the expression “sitting at home” implies that you’re doing nothing. Just sitting. But the home must be perfect. Criticism comes from all sides: husbands, parents, other women… What are you tired from? How could you not have finished everything? What were you busy with? Why isn’t the house clean? Look at Masha, she works and her house is tidy. Your child is three years old and still not reading. Why did you put your child in daycare if you’re not working? — the list of questions and complaints goes on and on.

Of course, working people get tired. And if there are household chores waiting after work, they get even more exhausted. But at least they have a change of pace and outside interaction, which helps prevent burnout. The biggest problem for housewives is that every day feels the same, especially if you’ve lost outside connections or are simply immobile. Often, when people say “just go somewhere,” they mean a woman should take the kids along or find someone to look after them. So “rest” turns into another outing with the children, or there are new complaints: “I worked all week” or “where are you going?” The worst part is that often even the woman’s own mother doesn’t provide support. The relationship with grandmothers is often built in such a way that you can only leave the kids with them without guilt if something serious happens. Everything else comes with comments, looks, and words that lead to “it’s easier not to go anywhere at all.”

Surely, there are wonderful women who have managed to build their lives, and most importantly, their boundaries, harmoniously. They find time for themselves, go out with good company, and have interests outside the family. Something tells me even they have their own stigmas to bear. But for the majority, daily life takes over, and at some point, a breakdown begins. Gradually, a woman loses faith in herself, and even remote jobs or side gigs don’t really help, because they don’t count as “real work.” In the end, there’s a feeling that somewhere along the way you took the wrong turn and flushed everything down the drain. And what awaits you is a life of stagnation, which leads directly to depression.

The other day, I was reading an article about depression and the tragedies that come with it. And as usual, the comments were filled with things like: “If she had worked, she wouldn’t have time for such nonsense”; “She should’ve been thinking about her children and family…” It’s exactly because a woman is always thinking about her children and family that these things happen. If she thought about herself, took care of herself, loved and valued herself, none of this would happen. But it’s very hard to do without support from loved ones, the community, or society. We’re not even taught to talk about difficulties, problems, or to ask for help. How many of us have heard in response: “Did you think it would be easy?” Often, behind a simple “I’m tired” hides a much bigger problem. Very few people in a depressed state can clearly ask for help and articulate what they’re going through. That’s why tragedies happen, even though “there were no warning signs.”

At the end, it’s customary to draw conclusions. Honestly, I’m struggling with that. I don’t want to write about how “a working woman won’t see her child’s first steps,” especially since that might not even be true. Or that I won’t see them because I’ll be busy with something else…

And yet… If at some party there was a conversation about achievements between me and a woman building her career, developing a business or startup, what could I say? Probably that all my investments went into my family, that this is my project. And that I have the opportunity to be with my loved ones a little more than those who work. Time will tell if the project will be successful. But I’m investing in it. I hope that I am an additional support for them. And even if “I taught my child to play ‘pat-a-cake’” doesn’t sound as impressive as “I got a promotion,” it’s still my achievement. Maybe I’m like the Little Train from Romashkovo—I have a little more time to slow down so I don’t miss out. And maybe that’s where my value lies.