I read the book in Russian, and the main issue with the translation is its title, which became How to Talk to Assholes in Russian. In the original, there’s no mention of “assholes”—the word used is “crazy.” However, to grab attention, the editors took liberties. This may have drawn some readers in, but the reality is the book isn’t about what its cover suggests.
I decided to read this book as a sort of follow-up to Robert Sutton’s The No Asshole Rule. But as it turned out, the two have nothing in common. However, the book was much better than I expected, given its strange title.
The author is a practicing psychologist who interacts with a lot of strange, even insane people through his work. He uses examples to demonstrate how one can communicate with people we find unbearable.
He starts with a brief classification of “crazy” people, explaining possible mechanisms of madness, and then moves on to discuss how to handle each specific case. Interestingly, through these examples, he shows that most problems stem from childhood, from the principles of upbringing. This, in turn, leaves a mark on the rest of one’s life.
Then the author explains what drives a madman, what their thought process is like, and gradually leads to the conclusion that, to some extent, all of us are a bit mad. So, the first thing we need to do is learn how to deal with the madman inside ourselves, not giving in to it, even when it’s very tempting. After all, sometimes it’s better not to engage with a madman at all—not just because it won’t lead to the desired outcome, but also because it could harm both parties. Toward the end of the book, the author makes it clear that in particularly difficult cases, professional help is essential, and attempting to solve the problem on your own could even lead to fatal consequences.
What’s interesting is that, despite the title, the author tells quite ordinary stories: a difficult colleague, aging parents with different life views, and so on. Many of these people actually mean well. That’s why I really didn’t like the Russian title. It seems odd to call your parents assholes just because sometimes you can’t find common ground with them. And calling them mad, honestly, feels wrong too.
The second part of the book is a brief overview of techniques you can use depending on the specific situation and the type of so-called “madness.” I intentionally put “madness” in quotes here because we often call anyone who acts irrationally (even if it’s only from our point of view) an asshole or a madman.
Some of these methods can be quite useful in everyday interactions with difficult people. Others are for more serious cases and require thorough preparation.
Overall, the book offers a new perspective on the problem, helping to find a grain of rationality even where everything around you seems insane. I personally found a few interesting methods that have already helped me improve my interactions.
The most valuable part is that the book teaches you to recognize the madman within yourself. And that, you could say, is the first step toward healing from “assholery.”
At the very end, the book provides advice on particularly difficult situations, like what to do if a loved one is contemplating suicide.
I truly didn’t expect the book to be this interesting and useful.
My rating: 4.5/5
 | Mark Goulston “Talking to Crazy. How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life” | buy |
