“Midlife crisis.” A cliché term that encompasses many things but most commonly refers to a moment somewhere in the middle of life (since each person has a sense of how long they think they’ll live), when many start asking themselves questions like “Have I been heading in the right direction all this time?” or “What’s the purpose of it all?” The real problem isn’t the questions themselves but the fear that the most productive years of life may already be behind them. And people who start asking these questions essentially trap themselves, especially if they’re unhappy with their current situation or it simply no longer brings them joy (which, in essence, is the same thing). Getting out of this psychological dead end is very challenging.
Elena Rezanova’s book Never-ever is precisely about this situation and what can be done about it. Elena worked for many years in HR (the Russian language still lacks an equivalent for the English term “Human Resources,” but these are people who theoretically help employees develop, can serve as a psychological “shoulder to cry on,” and also resolve interpersonal conflicts in the workplace). At some point, however, she and her husband realized that their reasonably successful careers no longer brought joy to either of them. They decided to make a radical change, something neither of them has regretted, as they found new, fulfilling pursuits that continue to bring them happiness.
I had marked this book as “something I’d like to read” a while ago, as that very same midlife crisis eventually caught up with me as well (even though I have a wonderful family and have achieved a lot in my career).
Published not long ago (two years ago), Never-ever quickly became a bestseller, which only proves that the issues it describes are far from imaginary and resonate with many people. Interestingly (and Elena also points this out in the book), the questions of self-fulfillment more often arise among people who have actually achieved a lot in life. She attributes this to the goals instilled in us from childhood for the first part of life: study well, get a higher education, find a good job, start earning a lot, buy a house, and so on. I’m almost quoting the book here, but who doesn’t know the phrase “build a house, plant a tree, and raise a son”? All of this represents the expectations placed upon us, and sometimes they’re not even our own, but society’s. And when you’ve been following this path, only to suddenly ask yourself, “Why?”—that’s when the trouble begins.
In the book, Elena advises setting aside stereotypes, stopping the endless introspection, and beginning to search for your calling. Not talents, because talent does not always guarantee success, but rather your strengths and, most importantly, what inspires you.
The book is divided into several short chapters, where the author gradually dispels certain myths and helps us view what’s going on inside us from a different perspective.
In the first part, she examines why we find ourselves in such situations: discussing the myth of “working for someone else is bad, working for yourself is good,” the overvaluation of talent, the illusion of stability, the stereotypical desire to “help people,” the fruitless search for a “true calling,” and misguided dreams.
The second part addresses the question of “what to do about it”: how to see the good in yourself, how to take the first steps toward your dream, how to find a calling if you don’t have a specific dream, and how to work through fears.
Overall, the book is very insightful, and I can certainly recommend it. At the same time, don’t expect a list of specific actions that will, like a magic wand, solve all your problems. Such books don’t exist, if I may let you in on a secret.
Elena also references numerous real-life cases and other authors (citing the original sources), which gives the impression that, at least in part, the book is a kind of compilation from other works rather than purely personal experience. But it’s short and well-written.
One topic the book doesn’t fully cover, however, is this: often, a midlife crisis can lead people into depression. Not just fatigue, but clinical depression, where people lose faith in themselves, the world loses its color, and they see nothing positive anymore. Getting out of depression is extremely difficult. Burnout typically leads to it (yes, it’s a trendy topic, but that doesn’t mean burnout isn’t real). Elena touches on “battery depletion” in her book as well: when, even on a day off, you feel like doing nothing but lying on the couch staring at the ceiling. But when you’re in true depression, none of the advice she gives works. In such cases, you either need iron willpower to pull yourself out like Münchhausen from the swamp, or you need to seek professional help. Only then can you start following all the advice about taking “the first step.”
“Taking the first step” is one of the best and most universal pieces of advice. It’s not just about “changing everything” or “following your dream.” It applies to any big endeavor. As long as you think of it as something enormous, it’s unmanageable. But if you break it down into the very first step, even a small one, it doesn’t seem impossible. The key is to take that small step. Then another. And another… Perhaps that’s the book’s main takeaway: stop being afraid, find yourself (without a guarantee it’s “the one”), take that first step, and see if you enjoy it. After all, the best work is the one that brings joy, that you want to do simply because you want to.
In general, it’s a light read, and I recommend giving it a look.
My rating: 4.5/5
